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“Totally dusty, girlfriend.”
“So did you let him get the drawers, sister girl?”
“Oh hell no; of course not Ermin. You should’ve seen the sad puppy dog look on his face when I didn’t invite him in. He didn’t even get a goodnight kiss, no handshake or nothing!! Shit, I got down with the accessories, if you know what I mean?”
“You so savage, Shaila girl; you know you need to stop leading that boy around by the nose. Now if that was me, I’d handled that fine piece of chocolate, proper!!”
“He was out of pocket; his credit report came in red so, no kitty for scrubs!!” Uproarious laughter followed from the opposite side of the table drawing my attention away from my phone.
Shaila McCaughey in my opinion was a bit phony, and decidedly thirsty for attention. I’d recently come to work at this firm in the valley happy to keep to myself in my assigned cubicle. Despite this, humans need some sort of contact with others periodically, so I’d take my first break in the employee cafeteria / break room. This choice left me privy to the social business of coworkers wanted, or not. Shaila was this light skinned woman in her early thirties, marginally attractive, tall with an overly thick, bottom heavy figure. I’m only human, so I have to admit that she had the proverbial “Ass That Wouldn’t Quit”.
The divorce left me jaded enough that I had considerable psychological armor to counteract her obvious charms. This woman made her dime socially in the office holding court in the breakroom with carefully selected peers one of which was her BFF, Ermin a gender fluid individual somewhat on the flamboyant side. Consequently I’d been privy to her social adventures verbally, accompanied by the embarrassing clownish falsetto of her self-assigned bard. Presently, I found my gaze on the extravagant curve of her backside, fetching this particular morning and that was about it.
“Shit, I’m late getting back.”
“Bye Girl!” Ermin cried out in hyper feminized style as Shaila and her circle scrambled back onto the work floor. The quiet that followed returned an aura of peace to the small rectangular office.
“Caught you looking boyfriend.”
“Excuse me?” Ermin was staring in my direction batting the heavy lashes artificially applied to his saucer eyes for effect.
“You was checking out the cheeks and you got-BUSTED.” He wagged a finger with an artificial nail applied and coated in garish orange.
“Alright, now what?” He reared back in his seat with an exaggerated arch in his back, blinking profusely. Ermin kept his hair in a military style buzz cut that was tinged purple which brought out his dark skin tone. It was against the company grooming standards, but H.R. found addressing the issue, a daunting task.
“Oh, so you for real or something, brother man?”
“My personal business; I just asked a question.” Ermin produced a tiny tube of Chapstick running it across his prominent lips before grinning at me like a jackal.
“You so hard; I’ll give your regards to Shaila, honey.”
Ermin got up still grinning in annoying fashion staring before leaving the breakroom with an odd gait that made it look like he was purposely sticking his ass out. Unknown to me at the time, this guy was playing the long game of an eventual sexual reassessment surgery looming large in his future. I made a mental note to stop using the breakroom for a few weeks until I was forgotten. That guy was the office hen spreading gossip like a fucking pandemic.
As far as I was concerned, that was the end of affairs as I made mental note to give those guys a wide berth so that I wouldn’t get caught up in any office related shenanigans and further nonsense with their sewing circle. There was this weird feeling lingering after my exchange with Ermin as I found traffic a little heavier than usual in my aisle. I recognized one or two female faces from the breakroom earlier with Ermin passing between those dual sightings. I didn’t see the alpha female of their clique but knew she was well aware that I’d admitted to looking at her huge butt.
Shaila was another fellow employee who had her way with doting male managers and a clueless human resources department also befuddled about addressing the frequent bouts of plumber pants afflicting the office queen. We had a partially relaxed dress code that allowed Shaila to make use of her distracting curves in a series of jean print leggings that failed to completely cover her rear end whenever she had a seat. This was the reason my eyes found her fashion indiscretion luxuriating in the lacy, lilac colored thong riding high on her hips.
I knew some kind of shit show was waiting for me in that breakroom opting to hit a back corridor containing some small utility restrooms with two vending machines between them. There was a payphone in the cramped area too along with a plastic chair. I enjoyed a drama free break period finding a surprise when I returned to my cubicle. Shaila flanked by two female compatriots was scurrying away from the aisle Travesti containing my desk. I hung back watching them make good their escape affording myself another look at that big, jiggling butt of hers.
This woman was a good five eight inches of height, with a decidedly cylindrical build above the waist. Given her height, it was the big, ponderous, mushy looking rear that made the difference in her appearance. Her face reminded me of a milk colored version of actress, Gina Torres. That almost familiar looking face was hidden under this reddish, nappy lioness mane. Shaila knew how to play up her assets always professionally made up, with an inconsequential top over a variety of leggings designed to show off her powerful looking, shapely legs. I appreciated this from a voyeuristic point of view. But that was as far as I was willing to go, resolving to stay out of the blast zone.
Two weeks later I decided enough time had passed, entering the breakroom after an extended sabbatical before my shift to enjoy a modest breakfast of a sausage croissant and some orange juice. The wall mounted television was permanently affixed on MSNBC necessitating that I view my phone for real news. About fifteen minutes after I took my seat, Shaila, Ermin and their assorted followers appeared in dramatic fashion, loud and boisterous.
“Oh look who done popped up this morning, sister girl!!” Ermin exclaimed in the same, likely practiced falsetto tone. I didn’t glance over or respond, dedicated to keeping my eyes on my phone.
“Stop girlfriend; don’t be noxious so early in the morning!” Shaila playfully admonished.
“Don’t be extra, baby!” He shouted back earning more raucous laughter from their associates. I instantly wanted to put some distance between myself and this annoying clique but knew that leaving right away would be like blood in the water.
I waited five minutes listening to the incessant chatter gradually withdrawing from the table to the counter at my back. I poured myself a cup of joe I didn’t need facing away from the chirping magpies.
“Hey uhm, you got a charger?” The room became deathly quiet as Shaila pushed up beside me at the counter, snagging one of the complimentary pastries there.
“Yeah, here you go; leave it here, I’ll pick it up later.” Instead of handing it to her, I put it on the counter managing to leave the break room without looking at her directly.
“Oh wow, he’s fabulous!” Ermin commented as I opened the breakroom door.
The nonstop chatter followed me out onto the work floor dissipating as I reached my cubicle. She’d been wearing this sort of fluffy looking, long sleeved white blouse undated with polka dots. Those show stopping legs of hers were covered in some muted leopard print leggings likely for optimal effect. Despite myself, I wished I could’ve gotten a look at that ass in those leggings. My day sort of dragged from that point on until Shaila made an appearance at my cubicle placing the charger on my desk as I tapped away at my keyboard.
“Hey thanks for letting me use this; I’m just bringing it back.” There was some awkwardness mixed in her jovial tone.
“You’re welcome miss; have a nice day.”
“Uhm, sure.” Shaila lingered for a moment too long, seeming undecided before taking a few steps away from my area.
I glanced up seeing the back of her shaggy mane. I followed the trajectory of her gaze finding Ermin and some of her sewing circle excitedly motioning towards her in partially silent direction. My eyes returned to the monitor on my desk as she rested an arm on top of my partition.
“What, you don’t wanna look at me or something?” Shaila sounded playfully irritated, distinctively serious.
“Of course I want to look at you.”
“Why don’t you?”
“Doing so would invite your friends over and I’m a responsible adult, Shaila. I don’t see a path to interacting with you without the inherent human baggage.”
“You don’t like my friends?”
“We work in the same office, but I don’t actually know them. Your friend Ermin could’ve said good morning instead of rightly accusing me of looking at your butt. So to me, that’s a wrap especially in this day and age.” I never stopped tapping as she stood there processing my words.
“So, you still ain’t gonna look at me, huh?”
“Shaila, if you want me to look at you; I get off work at five much like yourself. We can have a bite and talk for real, but other than that; I have work to do.” I was still tapping away at my computer.
“You asking me out?”
“What’re you asking me then?”
“I’m asking you to make an adult decision about whether or not you want to have a bite to eat with me, sans your entourage.” The tone of my voice let her know I was deadly serious.
“You asking me out.”
Shaila’s voice drifted away along with the rest of her back to her circle of friends. I figured that I’d had my first and last conversation with the self-important diva resolving to continue keeping my distance because I was sure Konya Travesti Ermin would appear in short order to taunt or vet me in service to his co-queen of the office. He appeared right before my last break, invading the same space she had earlier in the day.
“You trying to get at my girl, boyfriend?”
“What happened?” He sounded perplexed actually striking a feminine pose at the entrance of my cubicle.
“She sent you over here to talk to me instead of just meeting me later for dinner. I find that juvenile and I graduated from high school a long time ago.” His doughy looking face scrunched up in apparent annoyance at my unwillingness to adhere to his preconceived notions.
“You don’t have to be all salty.”
“Sorry, I don’t mean to be rude but I gotta get this assignment done; hey, have a soda on me. We’re okay and why don’t you get your buddy a Coke and a smile on me.” I put a five dollar bill on the edge of the desk. Ermin snatched it up switching down the aisle to report his findings.
Later I found myself taking that last break, returning to the small cramped rear area I’d discovered days earlier after first running afoul of Shaila, Ermin and friends. I figured blatantly asking Shaila out on a date coupled with the appearances of “mother hen” Ermin would effectively put an end to things. Ultimately she was seeking validation of her looks and likely nothing more. I figured she was already telling her followers how I’d asked her on a date and been rejected to rounds of jeers and applause from those assorted mouth breathers.
Still I felt a little butthurt myself at being directly confronted when I wasn’t ready. It reminded me of earlier days before enlightenment set in with the dissolution of my marriage. Shaila was standing at my cubicle when I returned to the work floor from the opposite side of the room. The varying degrees of anxiety gradually dissipated with a full on look at the proverbial ass of my dreams.
As mentioned before, Shaila was more on the tall, cylindrical side which naturally drew the eye down to her sloping hips and extraordinary huge and pronounced buttocks. From just above the small of her back to the deep undercuff of her ponderous cheeks, a pronounced pear shape was plainly visible. Covered in the thin layer of almost sheer animal print got an instant physical reaction out of me. I played pocket pool for a few seconds adjusting myself as I found the manufactured reason Shaila was standing at my desk.
“I was uhm, just bringing your change back.” She lied, peevishly making sure to maintain her posture. It was obvious that she wanted me to see her best asset. Two bills and a quarter were placed on the corner of my desk.
“Sure, thanks.” I managed to regain my seat without betraying myself by glancing at her butt.
“So, where’re we going for dinner?”
“Someplace good; trust me.” I worked not to look at her face already typing away and hating myself for the effort it took not to look directly at Shaila.
“No, I don’t want your friends showing up; but if you want to make a copy of my driver’s license for Ermin, be my guest.” I fished out the laminated card placing it on the edge of my desk without looking. Shaila picked it up scanning the card before setting it down again.
“Are you always so serious?”
“Ask me that later, at dinner.” I interlocked my knuckles under my chin glancing at Shaila taking in a good direct look at her face. There a light smattering of freckles across her nose and cheeks I never noticed before. Her eyes were catlike and green which captured my attention in hypnotic fashion as she smiled.
Shaila slid away seemingly satisfied at the level of emotional involvement leaving me fighting the urge to stick my head out into the aisle to catch another backshot. Instead I glanced over the top of my cubicle finding her outside the department corridor on her phone. I was unsure of how things might go later, but I knew that if she ended up in my bed, Shaila would be limping for the rest of the month. At the conclusion of my workday I half expected her to flake as I turned the corner from the parking garage, but I found her waiting at the corner, with an entourage.
I gotta be honest and admit to almost driving right by this group. Shaila probably thought this was some sort of middle ground between her social needs and my clear disdain for what I considered juvenile bullshit. I pulled up to the curb refusing to even acknowledge the chattering magpies as she sat beside me.
“WHY HE LOOKING SO SERIOUS, WHEN HE GOT THAT GRAND PRIZE?!!” Ermin shouted as I sped away while he was in mid sentence.
“Damn, you bad.” Shaila commented.
“I just can’t do that kind of shit; are you hungry, miss?”
“I got in the car, didn’t I?” She was smiling, but the edge behind her voice was unmistakable.
Her posture indicated she was probably way out of her comfort zone. Shaila seemed to stiffen up the further İzmir Travesti we drove as I hit the freeway for a trendy eatery I’d always wanted to visit but never did because of my former marriage. The old ball and chain for some reason, never wanted to visit the place, but now I intended to scratch that itch if nothing else. I uncharacteristically pulled into valet parking instead of tooling about the busy area for a garage.
I wanted to put Shaila at ease noticing her holding onto her phone with both hands. It seemed her ego fueled this sort of impromptu date. This woman looked a little apprehensive until a chubby yellow jacketed valet opened her door. I’d already made up my mind to play a sort of long game with Shaila as sort of a pet project. Her friend Ermin initiated the chain of events, so I felt obliged to extend an olive leaf.
“Hey, can I ask you a question, Shaila?” I rounded the back of my car finding her visibly tensed up. Honestly it rubbed me the wrong way.
“Do you want to call your friend Ermin; I think you’d feel better if it was a threesome?”
“For dinner; you wanna ask him down here to be a chaperone; I guess?” Her expressive eyes rolled as she realized what I was suggesting. At this point I didn’t care how obvious it was that I was checking her out, but I still dialed it down a bit.
“Why’d you ask me that; I-I mean, are you sure you won’t mind?” She stuttered at first, half catching herself verbally.
“No, I don’t care but I’m not picking up the check for his meal. You can have whatever you want, okay?” She nodded already dialing him up.
I’d stopped looking directly at her face drawn to the restaurant / open bar and its open patio. It was a little after six in the evening and the place was jumping. I was eager to try out the menu and vet my coworker for a serious pounding if the opportunity presented itself. Presently I just wanted to find out if there was enough between her ears to even bother. I suggested her flamboyant sidekick because I knew if all else failed he’d give me what I wanted. She gave me a token smile as I opened the door to the bar observing a long dormant chivalry.
“It’s gonna take him a little time to get here.”
“Perfect we have to wait for seating anyway; maybe we can talk a little.” We found seating on benches adjacent to the podium inside after I spoke with the hostess. I grabbed a menu perusing the items on the laminated one sheet, noting drinks on one side. A huge, meaty ribeye steak caught my eye as I glanced over finding Shaila staring at her phone.
“What do you think of the place, Shaila?”
“Uhm, it’s okay; a little noisy though.” She looked uncomfortable in her own skin, folding one leg over the other as I took stock of a luscious thigh. Her full, voluptuous figure was right up my alley, but Shaila seemed off balance used to dictating how things went in dating situations. I hadn’t given her the opportunity.
“I came for the menu; so, I’ll let the hostess know that we prefer an outside table. I think it’ll be easy for Erwin to find us.”
“Well uhm, yeah sure.” She half stuttered.
We were finally seated at an elevated section of the bar in the patio. I was happy for the outside space so that I could enjoy the music purposely sitting on the other end of the circular table. I ordered a Daiquiri while my nervous date had a strawberry lemonade. In the distance there were a series of large monitors displaying a few games right over a very busy bar as I noticed Shaila passively looking around.
“I want to talk to you Shaila, but you seem nervous or something. I’m not used to sitting before somebody who might be apprehensive about me; so is it because you usually travel with your friends?”
“Well, I do hang out a lot with the girls and uhm, Ermin is my roommate. We been together since high school and he’s kind of like, my rock if you know what I mean? You uhm, seem like a cool guy too.”
“Alright, so I’ll tell you what Shaila; just consider this a really nice lunch hour and nothing more.”
“I don’t get it?”
“We’re just having a bite and nothing else; you can act like this never happened tomorrow. Maybe I should’ve asked you where you wanted to go first; but I always wanted to visit this bar, but the wife wouldn’t let me.”
“YOU’RE MARRIED?!!” Shaila became animated for a few seconds as I nodded in the negative.
“Oh really; what happened?” Her shoulders slumped a bit as she leaned forward taking a sip of her drink, coughing when she realized there was a tiny bit of alcohol inside. I carefully pushed a napkin across the table.
“Why’d you cheat?” Shaila asked pointedly, inviting casual conflict.
“She cheated, big time Shaila.” Her eyes widened at my answer as I finished my Daiquiri signaling the waitress for another as she attended to an adjacent table.
“Why’d your wife cheat?”
“I don’t have a clue, my money game is solid, we had a three bedroom and I always bring my A-Game behind closed doors, if you know what I mean, Shaila. I find it perplexing trying to figure out if there was a time when she wasn’t stepping outside our sham marriage.” She listened intently taking a few sips from her glass.
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