28 Mart 2024

Chinese Whispers and Broken Hearts

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I apologise for any mistakes. They all belong to me…

*****

Chinese whispers and broken hearts.

It was heartbreaking. I know a lot of people say it, but as I looked across at Elsa, I saw the pain etched deeply into her features.

Nobody is exempt from it in these situations.

There was no way not to feel the crippling gut twisting pain, and it wasn’t even somebody she knew. She was only here to support me. I watched, as the tears trickled down her trembling cheeks.

Her normally joyful face, twisted into a contorted mask. As our eyes met, she walked over, and we slipped into a bone crushing hug. “Oh god, Elsa, thank you for coming. It’s so great to see you.” I whispered sniffling, through my own tears.

We stood bodies moulded together, my face buried against the side of her neck.

She held me tight, her hand rubbing my back in comforting circles. “I’m sorry it’s under such sad circumstances. How are you?” She asked. Her voice full of concern.

“I’m okay, better now that you’re here. How long has it been?” I sighed. “It must be years.”

“Yeah, it’s been a while, that’s for sure.”

She pulled away, we stood at arms length, our hands clasped warmly. “Gee, I’m glad you came, how have you been?” I asked, I had so many questions. It had been such a long time since we saw each other last.

“I’ve been good, works been busy. Keeps me off the streets. Enough about me, how are you coping? It must have been awful?” She replied.

I tried to explain about the accident, but it was still raw, and I felt overwhelmed by grief every time I thought about it. We were instantly back in each others arms, hugging like crazy, my body shuddering.

“I’m so sorry Nina, so very sorry. I don’t know what to say.”

“Say nothing.” I sniffled. “It’s enough that you’re here. God, I just wish you had met Jane, you would have loved her, and she you.”

“I’m sure I would have, if she loved you then, she was a nice person.” Her words seemed hesitant, forced, we had been friends for so long, I knew her too well, I guess she was still uncomfortable with my sexuality.

We separated, and I sighed apologetically. “I’m sorry, Elsa, I have to circulate. Mum’s over by the window though, and I know she would love to talk to you.”

This was the hardest thing I had ever done. I wandered around the mourners, most here for my benefit. Jane wasn’t a local, and our friends were mostly shared. Her family had flown in from Christchurch, for the funeral, which was good. Their relationship with Jane had been strained. Unlike my parents, they weren’t comfortable with Jane’s sexuality.

I remembered the day I came out to my parents, it was tearful, I was so scared, but they accepted it. My mum pulling me into a tight embrace, which was followed by my dad. He was shocked as you would expect, but he just gave me a cuddle. “As long as you’re happy Nina, that’s all we care about.”

Jane’s parents weren’t that accepting. They may not have thrown her out, but they didn’t take it so well.” The fact they were here was nice, and they brought lots of photos for the montage running continuously on the huge overhead projector. Watching the photos of her earlier life, it made me realise, how little I knew about her. Our romance, had been fierce, an out of control bushfire.

Mum and dad stood by my side, as the coffin was wheeled in, the sounds of Sarah McLaughlin’s, Angels, playing on the sound system.

The ministers voice reverberated around the old stone walled chapel, His oration filled with stories. There were sobs, and tittering laughter, as he worked through the collected stories.

It was over too quickly though, before I knew it, he was inviting me to the rostrum to speak. I thought I was going to be okay, but as I pulled out my carefully written speech, and the minister stood aside. I stepped up to the lectern, stared out over the small crowd, the sad faces, wet tissues everywhere. God damn it. Life wasn’t fair, she was so young, so beautiful. The see of morning crying faces, brought it all out. I felt my knees going weak, the world began to spin.

Before I could speak, my bravado evaporated, gone in seconds.

I tried to squeeze out some words, but nothing came out, my throat dry, my tongue immovable. Even gripping the lectern, I couldn’t hold myself up. I felt my ankles twist, my heels topple, and I was on the ground. Tears flowing uncontrollably.

It was Elsa, as she had done so many times during our childhood who appeared at my side. She reached down, her own eyes moist. “Let me help Nina.”

She eased me up, took the speech from my hand, and helped me back to the lectern. There, she slipped one arm around my waist, and held the speech with the other. Out bodies leaning against each other for support.

Her voice rang loud and true, as she read from my script. All the little anecdotes from Jane and my short life together. I stared at Mum and Dad, who hugged tightly as they listened intently.

With Brandi Carlisle’s Wherever is your heart sounding loudly, the pall bearers demetevler escort lifted the casket, and we carried her out to the hearse.

Elsa and I hugged, mum and dad appeared beside us, and we walked out behind the coffin.

As bad as all that was, it was worse at the grave side. The minister took control, and gain spoke clearly. His words heartfelt. The moment the casket descended down into that dark dungeon of a hole, I lost it again. If it wasn’t for Elsa, and mum standing either side of me, I would have dived into that damn hole.

We held the wake at mum and dads. It was large enough to house the thirty odd people who massed to grieve. There were drinks, and food, and stories. Funny stories, and slowly the mood in the room lifted, even mine. Although having to tell the story of how Jane’s car was crunched at an intersection by a runaway semi, was difficult.

I cornered Elsa, “Thanks for coming to my rescue at the church. I felt so weak, and stupid.”

She leaned in, and kissed me on the cheek. “You weren’t weak. Nobody manages to stay calm, or in control. I’m glad I was there to help.”

“Thanks anyway. It was special having my best friend at my side. God, babe. I’ve missed you. How did you find out about the funeral? I mean it’s been ages.”

She looked pensive, almost guilty. “I know we haven’t spoken a lot, or seen much of each other, but I still stay in touch with some of our old friends.”

I nodded, and a deep feeling of gratitude gripped me. “It’s not important. “I ‘m just glad you’re her. Tell me all about your life. Do you have a boyfriend?”

She shook her head. “No, nobody special. I’m working for the Nelson Council. We’re designing a series of cycle ways. Trying to get rid of the traffic congestion.”

“Wow, sounds amazing.”

“Yeah, it’s all good in theory, but getting people out of their cars and onto bikes is going to be harder than people think.”

“I cycle to work.” I stated proudly.

Elsa nodded, “yeah you look good Nina.”

I couldn’t hide the blush. “You look pretty good yourself. Do you cycle?”

“Yep, sure do babes.”

“It shows, your legs look amazing.” I wasn’t lying, she did look stunning. Even dressed for a funeral, she looked terrific. She has always been a petite wee thing, I had been envious of her figure my whole life. She could eat the horse, and chase the rider and never put on a pound. I only had to look at chocolate cake and suddenly my jeans wouldn’t fit.

“How did you and Jane meet?” Elsa asked.

“She worked as an area manager for a tech company. She was here as part of a team doing a system upgrade at the warehouse.”

“So she wasn’t from here?”

“No, she lived in Nelson.”

“Right, were you working there as well?”

“No, we met at the pub, like everybody else. She came in by herself. I saw her sitting by herself, and I got a vibe from her. I mean that shocked me, because, well. My gaydar isn’t that good. I have never once in my life got it right. I guess with Jane it was meant to be.”

“Was there an instant attraction?” Elsa asked.

The questioning seemed a bit intense, maybe it was just my state of mind. “I suppose you could say that. I felt sorry for her sitting alone. Like I say, I got this vibe, so I went over to talk to her, and as they say. That was it.”

“Sounds like true romance.” Elsa, sighed.

“Yeah, at first it was hard, because she only came to town a couple of days a week, but we got on so great together. It worked.”

“I’m glad you had a chance to experience that. It may have only been brief, but, it sounds like you guys were madly in love.” Her voice trembled, and there was an expression that echoed sadness, or something deeper. I just couldn’t read it. Not unusual for me, I’m hopeless at reading people. Elsa was my best friend, we grew up together. Went to school together, went to ballet, choir, played netball, and tennis. We went to our first dance together. Went on dates.

We were more like sisters than friends. It sort of changed whilst we were at university. Yes, we chose the same university, she studied digital and information technology. Whilst, I studied business management.

I had known for sometime that I was different. At first I was ashamed, and couldn’t even talk to Elsa about it. I came to a realisation while we started our boy chasing and dating. Elsa and all our friends were so excited to be dating guys. I didn’t feel the same. When it came to men, I felt a deep ambivalence, I had no sense of sexual arousal. Even Elsa liked to laugh and gossip about guys, and personal details about dates.

I started to get an understanding for that when I noticed I was drawn towards some of the girls. In the showers after games, I couldn’t help taking little peeks, and furtive glances. I was aroused, remembering those tingling burning sensations in my tummy. I remember them so well, the uncertainty, the gnawing yearnings, the desire. Yeah, I knew something was different.

It was pretty simple really, I dikmen escort was a lesbian. It took me nearly a year to accept it. Twelve months of complete self loathing. I was sure everybody would hate me. My parents would be distraught. Dad would feel let down. I tried to take it slow, but when I started dating another girl at University, the news quickly spread. I remember the day Elsa burst into my room, looking distraught. “Nina, what the fuck!”

When I didn’t answer, she hissed. “You’re dating Mel… What the fuck, when were you going to tell me?”

“I’m sorry Elsa, I am still coming to grips with it. I didn’t tell you because I’m embarrassed. I thought you might hate me.”

Flopping down on the bed beside me she asked. “Why would you think that? We share everything. At least I thought we did, we’re best friends.”

“I know, but this is different. I have heard you and the other girls making fun of Mel.”

She looked guilty. “Yeah, you’re right. I shouldn’t do that, but I’m just trying to fit in with the rest of the crowd. I don’t really think that way.”

That was a big day, but we were never the same after that. I know she tried to talk to me, show interest in who I was dating, but it was forced, our old intimacy was gone.

Even my mum took it better than Elsa. We had talked about coming home, and starting a business together. It had always been our dream to marry brothers. Silly shit, but after we graduated, Elsa stayed on in Christchurch, and I returned to Blenheim.

At first, we stayed in touch, but as the years ticked by, we drifted apart. We hadn’t even talked on the phone for over a year. It was what shocked me seeing her here, how did she even know? Did mum call her? It was wonderful, the way she supported me at the lectern, but it still burned. How did she find out, how did she know?

Thinking about it gave me goose bumps. I glanced over at her, as she talked to mum, their arms around each other, heads together, whispering conspiratorially, like secret agents.

It was later when we were tidying up, and Mum had dragged Elsa outside to say goodbye to the last of the guests. As they walked back up under the porch, mum pushed Elsa onto the big old sofa that sat out there. I eased the window open, hoping to find out if it was Mum who called her.

I leaned over the bench as I filled the sink with hot water, so I could hear better. I was being cheeky eavesdropping.

“Elsa my love, why didn’t you come home? Nina missed you so much.” Mum asked.

“I couldn’t, things were so difficult between us. Our relationship was so strained.”

“Why darling, I never understood that. You were both so close, and I know she loved you so much, I saw the look on her face when you walked in. She was so happy.”

I peeked out the window to see mum with her arm over her shoulder patting her comfortingly. “Is it because she’s gay? Does that scare you? I know some of her supposed friends cut her off when they found out. Some of them were so mean to her.”

“That’s not the reason Mrs Ross.”

“Then why?”

“It’s complicated, things got sort of confused between us at Uni.”

“Why, did something happen?”

I heard Elsa sniffle, and mum held her closer. “You can tell me darling, I won’t judge you.”

“I fell in love, Mrs Ross, I fell so deeply head over heels in love.”

“Oh dear, that sounds rather painful. Did somebody let you down my love?”

I watched as Elsa drew in a deep breath and tried to build up courage. “It was Nina, I fell in love with Mrs Ross.”

Elsa, wiped away some tears, as mum held her. Even from where I spied, I could see the disbelief on Mum’s face. “Nina, you were in love… She never said anything to me.”

“No, she doesn’t know.”

“For goodness sakes. What do you mean she doesn’t know? Why didn’t you tell her?”

“Because I was scared, scared of everything, I was embarrassed, and ashamed. I worried about what my parents would say, how I could get a job, my friends. I heard all the nasty things they said about Nina, and Mel. I chickened out. I tried to convince myself it wasn’t real, that I was just feeling some weird emotion because I was losing her.”

Mum rocked them both. Back and forth they rocked, mums arms tight around her shoulder. “Elsa dear, you were never losing her. She loved you so much. You were her best friend.”

“I know, that’s why I couldn’t come home. She doesn’t feel the same way about me as I do about her. I do love her, but she doesn’t see me that way.”

“My dear sweet Elsa, how do you know you she doesn’t? You never gave her a chance. I mean, are you sure. I mean about your sexuality?”

“Oh shit, I’m gay all right. I had to find out the hard way, but hell yes. I’m fruitier than your fruit cake. Which was delicious by the way.”

“Thank you dear, but goodness me, I’m lost. Why didn’t you tell her?”

“Well, after I started to develop these feelings for Nina, I went a bit crazy, had sex with any guy who would have me. In short, it was terrible. elvankent escort Then I met a couple of girls, and well, it all fell into place.”

“Sweetheart, if you didn’t tell Nina how you felt, how do you know she doesn’t like you. I’m confused.”

“Okay, after she came out, told us all. I noticed she never looked at me any more. We shared a flat for gods sake, I made sure she saw me naked. She went out of her way to not be around me. She didn’t have to say it. She clearly didn’t feel the way I did.”

Mum was struggling, I could see that. As broad minded as she was, this was taking her beyond her comfort zone. “Oh dear, Elsa, I’m so sorry. Are you in a relationship now? Have you met somebody?”

“I did have somebody, but she dumped me. I guess I’m just a loser in love.”

“No dear.” Mum gushed. “You will find somebody. Who was the wretched soul who let you down?”

Elsa snorted derisively. “You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.”

“Darling, I know you would never lie to me. Do I know her?”

“Yes, afraid so, but I would rather keep her name to myself. I don’t want to spoil your memories.”

“Memories…”

“Yes.”

Now I was confused, when she said memories, it would mean that the person was dead. I racked my brains trying to figure out who it could be. It had to be a local person, otherwise how would mum know her?

Mum, bless her insightful soul was a lot smarter than me. “Elsa, are you saying what I think you’re saying?”

“I don’t know, it depends on what you are thinking.”

“Are you talking about Jane?”

“Yes.” She sniffled, her body trembling. “Yes, she was my girlfriend.” Her voice lost the sift trembling lilt and took on a nasty bitter edge.

“I don’t understand dear, what happened.” Mum asked

“Jane and I were in love, or at least I thought we were. Then she, got that bloody job, and started travelling up here. She met Nina, and then dumped me.”

“She told you that?”

“No, of course not. I caught her out.” The anger in her voice really growled as she recounted.

“The cheating bitch. She was seeing Nina for weeks, I didn’t know who it was at that point. One day, her phone rang, she was in the bathroom, so I picked it up to carry it into her. I saw Nina’s number, and wondered how she would have it.”

Mum was devastated. Tears rolled down her face. “What happened?”

“I rang some of our old friends here, when I asked them about Nina, they told me she was dating Jane.”

“Oh dear, what did she say?”

“She told me she had fallen in love, and she was moving to Blenheim. That was it. She just left.”

“Oh dear, oh dear, how could she be so heartless, so cold. I never knew. I’m so sorry love. I know that Nina doesn’t know any of this. She would never do that too you.”

“I know that. She would never do that on purpose, but it’s how I found out about the funeral. I didn’t come for Jane, I came for Nina.”

“She is so grateful darling, and so am I. You were wonderful in the chapel.”

“I know Nina, she never does anything by half. If she was in love with Jane, I knew it would be deep, I knew she would crash.”

“What are you going to do, you have to tell Nina, if you don’t I will.”

“No,” Elsa, gasped, as she sat up. “Promise me you won’t say anything. I would die if you told her.”

“Elsa, she loves you, we both know that. If you tell her how you feel, then perhaps there would be hope.”

“No, god no. I would love to have Nina back in my life. I want to be friends at least. I got all bitter and twisted, but I know it wasn’t her fault. I would adore having my friend back.”

“Elsa my dear, you must be honest with her. Give her a chance. She will find out anyway. Then she will be upset. If you want any sort of relationship, then you must start with honesty.”

I stumbled away from the window. My mind brought back to reality by the sound of the sink overflowing, and water cascading down onto the floor.

“Bugger.” I hissed, as I dropped a tea towel onto the puddle, and knelt down to sponge it up.

I tried to comprehend. She was gay…

She was in love with me…

Oh my god, she was in a relationship with Jane…

It was too much, it was information overload. Everything I had been thinking, all the grief, the sorrow, it was now tinged with anger. Jane, lied to me. When we met she said she was single. All the time she was cheating, lying to me. God, what else did she lie about, was she seeing others as well?

As the thoughts exploded in my mind, the one that registered the loudest. “Poor Elsa.” God, Jane, had dismantled her love, broken her. How could I have ever loved her, I gave her everything. I welcomed her into my home, loaned her money, shared everything I owned.

Did she even love me? The more I thought about it, the plainer it became. She used me, nothing more, I was just a tool. All the tears I shed, were for nothing, wasted on somebody I really didn’t know. How many others were here today, she had fucked…

“Bitch.” I hissed into the all consuming night.

I walked out the back of the house, I needed space, air, time to think.

Around the garden I stomped. Tears flowed, I should have been grieving, instead, I was outraged. As I rampaged around the gardens, my mind filled with the words Elsa confessed. She was gay, that stunned me. I had no idea. I was hopeless with people. To trusting, naive.

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